Living at Peace with Your Inlaws
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How to Get Along with Your New Family
Living at Peace with Your In Laws
By Sarah Wind
It is a frightening time for most couples after announcing their commitment to be married as they know that this time is also a time when they must accept new people into their lives…people they have never known and in many cases do not even like.
Every family no matter what nationality has its own culture even if the couple is from the same country. Each has an unwritten code of ethics or rules they live by and the new in law must learn to accept these rules no matter how distasteful they may seem. It is a time of culture shock when for the first time a person witnesses a family’s practices and compares them with her own family of origin.
The first most natural response is to criticize the family, pulling her future mate off to the side and denouncing his parents or siblings, raising an eyebrow at the way they live their lives. But she has to realize that this can be a dangerous practice, as although her mate may love her with all his heart, he also loves this relative. Although he may criticize them himself, he will cringe if he hears her utter a single disparaging word.
It is important to preface comments by saying for example, “Honey, I know you love your sister, brother, mother or father, and that you understand what they do, but I just wanted to let you know that in my family this practice was considered uncomely or rude and I feel nervous, badly offended etcetera when I hear them or see them do such and such. Forgive me, but I cannot be around to listen to it. It might be that in the future I will adapt, but for now it offends me.”
Also, it is important that she makes it clear to her future mate she doesn’t want to hear gossip going through the family about her. This will only make it worse on her. She should communicate that she wants each new day spent with her new family to be an experience untainted with rumors passed around.
Give it time. It takes a while to adjust to a new family situation and will not happen over night. A newly engaged person should learn everything she can about the family before the marriage or if possible, before the engagement. If the problems that arise are something she cannot live with, then she should consider this before she utters the words, “I do.”
